November 7, 2014

Twenty-one years ago today you celebrated your last birthday. I remember calling you and spending endless hours on the phone with you. I didn't even have a phone. I called you from a payphone, just so I could spend your birthday with you. I remember I bought a huge calling card because I wanted to be with you. My heart yearns for love like yours. It is hungry to be loved like you loved me. I have found that in my daughter. I wish you would have met her. She is a lot like you. She is so full of love and has a soft heart for those who need help and don't get it. Last night I went to think about you and be with you at the park. I ended up with a different kind of visitation. One I was not prepared for. He poured his heart out. I want so badly to believe him but every time I do, he does it again. It made me realize I can't keep dragging David along. I want Harmon to treat me like David did. That is not fair to David. Definitely not fair to Harmon, as I have never specified how I want him to treat me. Then I blame him for not doing it. That isn't fair. So I ended things with David. Of course, he didn't see it coming and is going through the stages of grief. He has passed through denial, disbelief, and is now is reverting back to denial. I don't know if he will accept it. I hate it for him but I can't be with him while all I can think about is Harmon. Lord, please help me find peace in this madness I call a life. I want desperately to just be at peace with life. I knew I shouldn't have got involved with David. I knew all I could think about is Harmon. It is my own fault for breaking his heart.