Just because I'm there, doesn't mean you are

     So James and I have been doing a lot of talking.  He is not ready for a relationship.  As his best friend, I agree. He is also not 100% confident that I would never hurt him, which by now he should be. I mean if in the past 31 years I have hurt myself to avoid possibly hurting him, that should tell him how much I am willing to go out of my way to not hurt him.  Not sure he has reached the point where I am at though.  It's all good.  I am focused on getting healthy right now.  Losing this weight and getting my cholesterol under control. Pretty sure James is not attracted to fat girls.  I am willing to place money on the fact that when I lose this weight, he will all of a sudden be ready for a relationship with me.  It's sad. But I am just as shallow so I can't blame him.  

    Joined an exercise group at work.  Starting with just me and two guys from the maintenance shop.  We are going to walk laps around the parking lot during lunch.  I am going to go today and pick up earpods so I can jam out while I walk. I also need to go pick up vitamins.  The exercise group started because our work health insurance company is doing a competition among the prisons to see who can walk the most. So the three of us decided we were going to participate. We were going to join the Coffee group, since that is where we work but they made it private, so we joined the next closest prison....Wheeler.  We are close to those folks too. Hey if this competition helps me lose weight, I will take the help.  The insurance company is sending me a scale, some workout DVDs, and a food scale. They have a health coach that is going to call me once a week for 30 minutes for the next 52 weeks.  I think I may actually lose this week.

    I have decided that if we get this stimulus check that after paying the bills, I am going to do something for me.  I am going to get away on a mini-vacation.  I am going to use a bit of my PTO and go to an AIR BNB and stay somewhere relaxing and away from the BS. Maybe somewhere up in the mountains of Georgia. Just break away from people and their BS.  

No Longer Lost

 For years I have known that I lost my muse for writing poems and songs.  I did not know what caused me to lose that.  I had tried to think of many things that could have caused it and none of them were the right things.

Then, the other day, James kissed me.  He has kissed me before.  But something about this kiss.  It made every feeling that I had suppressed come rushing back all at once.  I had buried my feelings for him because losing him so painful that I didn't want to deal with it at the time.  So I had buried it so deep inside of me that I nearly forgot it all....until last Saturday when he kissed me. 

Then this morning, I am sitting here drinking my coffee and I have this strong desire to start writing again. OMG he was the muse!! When I buried my feelings for him, I buried my ability to write. So, yesterday I told him that we should try a relationship again when he is ready.  He agreed....without hesitation.  I about died. 

Thirty-one flavors

Only one matters

          Your love has always been the one 

                    The one flavor that was made for me

                    From day one

                    It was magic

                    We melted together

                    As one

                    Like it was meant to be

                    Our love grew

                    Like a tree

                    Taking on branches

                    With roots so deep and strong

                    Only a storm will show how strong 

                    That storm came

                    You professed your love to me

                    Like a scared little girl, I curled up in a ball

                    I did not know to react

                    Our lives went separate ways

                    Two hearts are torn apart

                    My heart broke in a thousand pieces

                    Ways that I have never expressed to you

                    It hurt so bad that I ran away from Florida

                    I wanted to never feel that pain ever again

                    I shut my heart down for years

                    I swore to never let anyone in like that again

                    Twenty years later you find me

                    In a forest of people, you find me

                    My heart needed you so much 

                    Then you were there

                    I still had not unburied what I had buried

                    You had never forgot

                    You carried it around with you all this time

                    What a burden that must have been for you to never know

                    And still to this day not know

                    I love you in depths that I never knew were possible 

                    When it hit me Saturday, I was speechless

                    This morning it hit me that you were my muse

                    You were why I stopped writing

                    

                    I am done running

                    For thirty-one years

                    It has always been you.

November 7, 2014

Twenty-one years ago today you celebrated your last birthday. I remember calling you and spending endless hours on the phone with you. I didn't even have a phone. I called you from a payphone, just so I could spend your birthday with you. I remember I bought a huge calling card because I wanted to be with you. My heart yearns for love like yours. It is hungry to be loved like you loved me. I have found that in my daughter. I wish you would have met her. She is a lot like you. She is so full of love and has a soft heart for those who need help and don't get it. Last night I went to think about you and be with you at the park. I ended up with a different kind of visitation. One I was not prepared for. He poured his heart out. I want so badly to believe him but every time I do, he does it again. It made me realize I can't keep dragging David along. I want Harmon to treat me like David did. That is not fair to David. Definitely not fair to Harmon, as I have never specified how I want him to treat me. Then I blame him for not doing it. That isn't fair. So I ended things with David. Of course, he didn't see it coming and is going through the stages of grief. He has passed through denial, disbelief, and is now is reverting back to denial. I don't know if he will accept it. I hate it for him but I can't be with him while all I can think about is Harmon. Lord, please help me find peace in this madness I call a life. I want desperately to just be at peace with life. I knew I shouldn't have got involved with David. I knew all I could think about is Harmon. It is my own fault for breaking his heart.

NOVEMBER IS LOVE......LOVE IS NOVEMBER

November is a bad bad month. This is the time of year where families all come together. Family members come home to be with each other. The women cook. The men watch football. The women clean. The men toss the ball back and forth with the kids. That used to be my life but in 1993, that life ended. December 30, 1993 the Lord took His favorite angel home. I know she is always with me. I know she is what gives me strength to keep going when most women would have thrown in the towel. November 7 is the feast day for Saint Gebetrude of France. She came from a saintly family, like I envision my grandmother and her family. My grandmother was a very saintly person. I have never met or known anyone that had that much love in their heart. Someone so free from the chains of hatred that she purely loved EVERYONE. My grandfather was full of hatred. He was taught hatred and he gave it to his children. When he would project his hatred to the people of the house, she wouldn't say anything. She kept her mouth shut. Except if he attacked us grandchildren. Then she fought against him. She didn't tell him the error of his ways, she would simply tell him to be quiet and then she would go in her room, lock the door, get on her knees and pray. All the prayers I was taught as a kid were sixty seconds or less. She would spend a good thirty minutes praying. When she passed away, I found out that next to where she prayed was a rosary and a Catholic bible. I was never allowed to know she was Catholic. However, I took this as a sign to follow my heart and go to the Catholic Church. I had been wanting to be Catholic for years as a child but it was forbidden. "That's what's wrong with the world. Too many Catholics", Pop would say. Oh his Irish Protestant hatred was about as disgusting as his racism. LOVE IS NOVEMBER 7

Baby Girl

Taking my days as they come and doing as I am supposed to do. Basically, living without having a life. Keeping my life so busy that I have no time to think about you or the way I felt with you. Yeah that only works if I don't see you. You keep popping up just as I begin to get lost in my busy life. I decided I would need to move far far away and be so involved with something else but then you came at me full force. I tried to not think about you and I tried to stay single and away from even looking at men. When I look at them, all I can do is compare them to you. You gave me your phone number and told me to call. I had every intention on throwing it away but I couldn't. I kept it in my back pocket because I couldn't figure out what to do with it. I pulled it out of my pocket every day at lunch. I looked at it. Sighed. Put it back. I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to start talking to you again. I had pretty much kept you at a distance for almost three years. I knew if I let you get close I would fall for you all over again. I was afraid to do that. Being happy is definitely what I want but being able to submit to someone like you is like being awarded a ticket into a heaven. You hesitate before accepting it...and again before taking a step forward. I know no other way to be with you than submissive. It just seems so natural to be your baby girl and for you to be my daddy. Today and last night you mentioned wanting to marry me. Wow!!! That is so not what I ever thought would happen. I expected us to be together forever but I didn't think marriage was something you would want. Your touch send me into orbit. You coming up from behind me and taking my hair and sweeping it aside while you lean in and kiss me. Mmmmm. Yeah. That is my piece of heaven. Being all yours and in your arms. Goodness! You make me just completely melt. I feel like I am not myself without you with me. I feel like I have lost a very important part of myself when you are not near. I need you. I crave you. Sex is not a factor yet. I can only imagine what will happen when you take ownership of that. Oh my goodness!!! What will I do then?? I have dreamed up some seriously hot scenes with you. I am in the kitchen cooking and you come up behind me, as usual, sweep my hair to the side and kiss my neck. I melt. You take your hand and run it down my body until you reach the bottom of my dress. You slide your hand up my dress. Mmmmm. Yeah. I love being daddy's baby girl. I love my daddy. Oh Yeah!!!

God's message

Today my friend Ron Milkas was ordained the deacon of my church. I went with my boys to the mass. It was absolutely beautiful. I know God was in the house for sure. I close my eyes sometimes when I sing the hymns so I can feel His spirit flow through me without distractions. .

Lonely

I have been single for quite some time now and it is taking its toll on me emotionally. I am beginning to get depressed about it. The more that I have days where I wish I had someone to chat with, the more I get depressed about being alone. I used to find relief in going to church and work but now I hate going to both. My church has too much drama and so does my job. It doesn't help that I am not doing what I went to school for.

I want to be happy but I don't know what to be happy about. I am happy I have my three beautiful children. I am happy my daughter is finally getting the medical treatment she needs. I am happy I have my beautiful dog and wonderful house but beyond all that, I am not happy.