RAAAAAAAWR!

God is giving me time to be on my own.  Time to be alone.  Time to think about what makes me happy.  Time to figure out what I want.  I am working two jobs now.  No time to drink, go out, or date.  Just enough to get a couple hours of sleep here and there.  When I am at my daytime job, I am able to not talk and do a lot of thinking.  I know I haven't blogged in a while.  I started to blog on November 7th but someone very special to me stopped by because they knew just how hard that day is for me.  I was in the middle of a full fledged cry and they knocked on my back door.  Such a blessing!!!

Now, all I want is to sit with my best friend Stan and have nice stiff drink.  I only know one person in this world that can calm me and sort out my head like Stan but that person will never sit and have a drink with me.  It's okay.  I am okay with that.

Love life?  Yeah.  It is so non-existent.  Desires???  None.  Met someone truly amazing and intrigues me to no end.  He has a lot of mystery to him.  A total challenge.  Absolutely the sexiest man I have seen in years (head to toe) but alas, he is a Scorpio.....November 6th.  Blah!!  If I date him, I am setting myself up to fall hopelessly in love and get my heart broken again.  Totally not wanting that again.  So instead, I work my tail off and avoid time with him like the plague.  I think I am just afraid to fall in love again.  I did this for nearly 2 decades after Curtis.  I hurt so many people after him.  I am trying really hard to stay single so I don't hurt anyone else.

Lately, I have put up the biggest and thickest walls I have ever built.  I am keeping more stuff inside than ever before.  The thoughts I have in my head are not ones that my friends would understand.  They would probably think I have lost my mind.  My head is filled with anger, depression, and utter disappointment.  Towards myself and others.  I want to let someone in so I don't have to carry it all around myself but when I try to open up to people completely, they start judging me.  I don't feel comfortable after that.  So I clam back up.  I haven't even been posting my thoughts completely here because I know people read this.  Maybe I should seek a therapist but then if I do, they might commit me to an asylum.  Sleeping is difficult even.  My fears haunt my dreams.