Nerves shot

We leave for Jacksonville Mayo on Sunday. We never were successful in finding a psychiatrist for her cognitive and dialectic behavior therapy. However, the therapist that she has been seeing for a year now had offered to do such therapy.  She is already comfortable with her so it is a perfect fit.

Anyway, on Sunday she will be admitted to the hospital for a week for observation. They want to see what kinds of seizures she has and just how bad it is.

Only God can make this easy.

Limited

My daughter had been sick since she was little. It started with her having issues releasing her breath after inhaling. She would breathe normally and sometimes forget to exhale. It would sound much like someone who had sleep apnea. Then in time that went away. Doctors never could diagnose it.

Next came her "blanking out" for 10-15 seconds at a time. This started off as 5 times a day. Over the years I have taken her to many doctors, specialists, therapists, and psychologists. Nobody knew what was wrong with her. A few told her that she would get over it when she wanted. While I am an advocate for the power of the mind, this was not something that she could stop or even control.

Last November, I took her for annual evaluation with a new psychologist. He said what we called "blanking out" was actually seizures. He referred us to a Neurologist. The neurologist confirmed it was seizures but was unsure if the seizures were epileptic or non-epileptic. So she referred us to one of the top neurologists in the world....Dr Tatum. He interviewed us and has a strong reason to believe the seizures were non-epileptic. He is going to run tests to be sure. He also referred us to one of the world's best psychiatrist....Dr Niazi. Dr Niazi diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder. He recommended dialectic behavior therapy and cognitive behavior therapy. He wanted her treated by Dr Paresh, who lives locally to us. Currently, Dr Paresh is booked until June. But because I work for one of the top hospitals in the world, he is trying to squeeze us in.

I am trying real hard to keep my head on. Some days I want to cry. But I have nobody to cry on. Other days I just want to get away.

God's country

A friend of mine, William Micheal Taylor says, "this is God's country". I have been on a path with God for quite some time now. God pulls me to Georgia. Eventually He pulls me to Waycross. Reason unknown. To lead the youth at St Joseph's catholic church? Perhaps. How did this happen? God's country.

Hahahaha!

The world spins in circles, right? Well, my whole life is spinning in circles around me.  James and Carrie are back in my life.  I am still the best friend.  Oh yay for me.  The girl who can never get her life together, Ang.  Yep. That is me. Make it even better?  Yeah....now that we are divorced...Tim decides to see a therapist and gets diagnosed with what?  Depression!!  Gee...I told him that and tried to get him to go get help before.  But no.  Now that we are divorced he goes.  Now he believes me and now he wants my help.  So I am giving it to him. For once I am fighting my demon head on.  Tearing my heart completely out and giving even more to him....for what?  A hope.  A hope that he will fix himself.  A hope that I matter enough.  Not just to him...but to anyone.  I wish I could have the Tim back that brought life into me but I guess I lost all hope for that when he signed those divorce papers without even flinching.  He is back living in my house.  My new (no Tim) house. He asked me for help and I am helping.  I wouldn't turn my back on any of my other friends....so why should I turn my back on him.  He didn't cheat on me because he was mad at me.  He cheated on me because his depression made him have low self esteem.  It could have been a hole in the ground telling him that he was awesome. It didn't matter who it was.  So I no longer feel lower than a toothless 23 yr old waffle house waitress. As much as him being around is making me cry more....I am healing.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot.  But I need to do this...for me.  Not just for him.  For me.

I know it seems like I am falling into a deep depression.  Honestly I feel like I am going through all the crap that got me here and trying to make sense of it so I can rise up again.  One day I will be a stronger and happier Ang.

Time keeps on ticking ticking...into the future

I remember this feeling.  I have been here before but never after just meeting someone.  I have been with him once and only once, yet I can't stop thinking about him.  I try to stop.  Then I get flashbacks of the one I cannot be with.  Moments of weakness.  Some people are better left as friends.

I am going to see him again tomorrow.  Maybe then I will know more about what is going on.  I am not scared yet I am being careful.  He's the kind that sweeps you off your feet.  I just don't know if he is good for me or bad.  Oh so loving and very sweet.  OMG the laughs never end.  I feel like I have known him forever.  So weird.

NOVEMBER 7

A lot of people have been telling me I need to snap out of my depression and honestly I have really been trying.  Last night I went out for the first time with a guy that has been asking me out for 3 months.  I kept telling him no but he kept talking to me anyway.  He was is in no way pushy.  He is really cute and very nice.  So I finally went out with him last night.  I expected him to be a total jerk and act like all other men but he was a true gentleman.  We went to Ruby Tuesday's for dinner and saw Jack and Jill (movie).  We also walked around WalMart for a while.  He was a lot of fun.  He kept me laughing the entire time.  It was awesome.   I didn't want the night to end at all.  It was weird.  As we walked back to my truck, I asked him what his birthday was.  Ugh!!!  My first boyfriend's birthday and my grandmother's birthday is November 7th.  Everyone knows that those two are forever in my heart.  Well this guy (Scott) has the same birthday.  Ugh!!  Here we go again.  All day today I can't stop thinking about him.

Of course, while I am on this date, Frankie (Mr November 6th) calls and asks me what I am doing.  He said he wanted to make sure I was having fun.  Ugh!!  The guy I wanted so much to be with but didn't want to be with me, decides to call me while I am on a date.

RAAAAAAAWR!

God is giving me time to be on my own.  Time to be alone.  Time to think about what makes me happy.  Time to figure out what I want.  I am working two jobs now.  No time to drink, go out, or date.  Just enough to get a couple hours of sleep here and there.  When I am at my daytime job, I am able to not talk and do a lot of thinking.  I know I haven't blogged in a while.  I started to blog on November 7th but someone very special to me stopped by because they knew just how hard that day is for me.  I was in the middle of a full fledged cry and they knocked on my back door.  Such a blessing!!!

Now, all I want is to sit with my best friend Stan and have nice stiff drink.  I only know one person in this world that can calm me and sort out my head like Stan but that person will never sit and have a drink with me.  It's okay.  I am okay with that.

Love life?  Yeah.  It is so non-existent.  Desires???  None.  Met someone truly amazing and intrigues me to no end.  He has a lot of mystery to him.  A total challenge.  Absolutely the sexiest man I have seen in years (head to toe) but alas, he is a Scorpio.....November 6th.  Blah!!  If I date him, I am setting myself up to fall hopelessly in love and get my heart broken again.  Totally not wanting that again.  So instead, I work my tail off and avoid time with him like the plague.  I think I am just afraid to fall in love again.  I did this for nearly 2 decades after Curtis.  I hurt so many people after him.  I am trying really hard to stay single so I don't hurt anyone else.

Lately, I have put up the biggest and thickest walls I have ever built.  I am keeping more stuff inside than ever before.  The thoughts I have in my head are not ones that my friends would understand.  They would probably think I have lost my mind.  My head is filled with anger, depression, and utter disappointment.  Towards myself and others.  I want to let someone in so I don't have to carry it all around myself but when I try to open up to people completely, they start judging me.  I don't feel comfortable after that.  So I clam back up.  I haven't even been posting my thoughts completely here because I know people read this.  Maybe I should seek a therapist but then if I do, they might commit me to an asylum.  Sleeping is difficult even.  My fears haunt my dreams.