I am just a moment of love

I feel like a complete failure in life.  I can't get a good job.  I can't get a man that will love me truly.  My kids can't wait to move away.  Maybe I am just a horrible person.  I do not know what I do that is so wrong.  I gave my kids and my husband all of me and I drove them away.  I give my job all I have and I still get my hours cut to 15 hours a week.  In 6 weeks, I will lose my house and my kids because of horrible I am.  If I knew what I was doing wrong, I would correct it but I have no idea what it is.  For years, Tim told me it was because I was not giving him all of me.  I did and he still wanted to leave.  Even if he is a shmuck, I still had to have done something wrong.  I tell you what, if I lose my house and kids after losing my one true love, I will not be physically alive anymore.  I will not be able to take it anymore.  I will give Tim my truck and go have him drop me off somewhere so I can just die.  I really do not like myself anymore.  I hate that I don't know what is wrong with me.  I hate that I am not skinny.  I hate that I am old.  I hate how I can't get a good job.  I hate that I cannot find happiness.  I hate that my life sucks ass.  I just am full of hate anymore.  I really do not have a desire to go anymore.

In the morning, I am going to church.  I will definitely try and talk to the priest, but I will definitely talk to God.  Hopefully God can help me understand what is wrong with me.  Why is it that people cannot love me for longer than a moment?

Ten years ago today, I knew I had to tell the guy I had recently met, that I was interested in him, because I thought the world was coming to an end.  In five days, it will be ten years since he asked me out.  Ten years of me making his life miserable.  Ten years of me being a selfish person that only wanted others to make me happy.