Time has been healing the wounds. The wounds that Tim has left in my heart. Yet it seems that at the same time it seems that is also giving me strength to face things I have been running from. I have tried hard to not deal with other wounds because of the sadness I thought it would bring me. Now I am having to deal with them and the pain is not there but the wounds have humbled me. I am learning more about myself. The decisions I have made have not always been wise. Sometimes I know that I had to make them in order to grow into the person I am now but then other times I wonder if I was better off not having made those choices.
I left my heart a long time ago. Sure, I took pieces of it here and there. I gave all I had left to Tim. He smashed it. Now I realize he was meant to be my friend and nothing more. Yet the man who should have been more, I smashed his heart and now he is nothing more than a best friend. Perhaps I am just not meant to be happy.
I am trying to get back little happy memories I have left. Dancing and music are all I have left in me. No friends and nobody I can just chill out with. Sure I have Curtis but that is still painful. I lean on him but it just isn't enough. It's more like a huge tease. I don't know why I do this to myself. I know I am torturing myself talking to him. He is talking to me about his broken heart and how he feels like he is confused why he always gets hurt. I just want to jump through the phone and kiss him. Make him see what I feel. He thinks I have lost my mind. If so, I lost it when I met him in 6th grade. I can't stop loving him. I have tried and tried and it just won't quit. I have been mad at him and still want to be with him. I can't say there is one thing about him or any of his flaws that I can't deal with. Nothing makes me want to run or even keep him at a distance.
Marriage with him? Weird but the thought has never crossed my mind. Living with him? I could do it short term. Maybe long term too. But I really enjoy living on my own. Give him a key and let him come whenever he wants. Yeah that is more like what I'd like with him. However, none of this matters because he will never take me back. I know he is still in love with me but I think he still remembers how bad it hurt. I don't blame him. It hurts me to this day, but I left him. He is probably afraid I would do it again. I have definitely learned to not do that crap again. That has got to be the worst thing I have ever done.
If I could live out the dreams I have with him, for just one night, that might carry me through the next several years. Run my hands through his hair, kiss those lips, nibble on his neck, rub that chest of his. Lick him all over. Yeah. I don't think I could deal with just one night. LOL.
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