True and Honest....Me

Taking the high road now.  I am working out at the gym and beginning to feel better about myself.  It is beginning to work.  I am determined to get my high school body back.  I would love to find a way to be able to build up enough muscle and courage to try and start dancing again.  The fire is burning inside of me.  I so miss getting lost in the music.

I am thinking about transferring back to Ormond area in the spring.  I am no longer looking for "what's out there".  I just want to go back home and be me.  The me who did not care what others thought.  The me that was happy at the beach and happy getting lost in my music.

I was thinking about moving to Brunswick to get further from Tim but he has his own baby boy now so I don't have to worry about him coming back.  He is absolutely bad for me and I do not need him anymore.  After the divorce is final, I will most likely never speak to him again.  After finding out that all this time, she was pregnant with his baby, I am done.

Being honest and true with myself is what makes me happy.  I was that way with Curtis and I was that way with Tim.  Two Scorpios that I let in my heart.  I can honestly say that I did not fuck up with Tim though.  I gave him all of me and I did not let my friends get involved with my relationship.  They did not have any say as to whether I stayed with Tim or not.  What he did, warranted his own destiny.

So now I am taking that honesty to myself.  I am going to deal with things as they come and no longer bite my tongue.  I am tired of people thinking that since I am nice, that they can use me for whatever motives they have.  I am better than that.  I am a real person with real feelings.

Curtis has been helping me through a lot of this.  He and Kim split up about ten days after Tim and I did.  We have been each other's support.  He is trying to figure out how he gets himself into these positions.  I am trying to figure out why it seems I cannot get anyone to actually fall in love with me.  I think he has the same problem, honestly.  If she truly was in love with him, she would not have left him for another man.  I could not even look at another man when I was with Tim.  They just did not seem to look the same.