Fears

I know everyone's right.  I know I need to do it, I am just deathly afraid of doing it and it end up being worse than the hell I live in now.  I moved to the country so I could hide from all my problems.  Out here, nobody messes with me.  They think I am related to the Bryant's that are out here, so they leave me alone.  The one's that ask, I have told them that my Bryant family is all from Maryland.

I was talking to Clint last night and he was telling me that I need to stop giving so much fricken control to my fears and move home.  I know what he said was sincere.  Clint doesn't even live in Daytona.  He used to live in Orange City and we hung out until I finished college and moved away.  He remembers screaming "why does Curtis mean so damn much?" on his front yard.  LOL.  I had forgot I even did that.  He was trying to teach me how to bring dance back into my life so I could get some of the happiness back.  He was training my knee.  Now I finally have the desire to dance again but my knee is all sorts of jacked up.

Trying to work out my butt muscles and I screw up my knee.  Only I could do something so dang stupid.

So, Brandi, Betsy, Clint, Brianna, Bonny, and now Curtis are now telling me to face my fears and go home.  How do I do something I know I need to do when the mere thought of it scares the shit out of me?  That town is all mine....Tim, Sol, and Jun have no reason to ever go there.  That is not my fear.  My fear is HIM.  What do I do if I see him with someone else?  It damn near kills me to see him and then to see something attached to his arm.  It makes me just want to run.  I know he can't stay single so he will be with someone.  I just have to figure out how to avoid seeing him when he's taken.  I guess, if he texts me like he does now, I will be fine but he stops talking to me when he is taken.

Oh God!!  Why is everything so dang complicated?  My daughter thinks Curtis is hurting me so now she is being protective.  I can't even explain things to myself, let alone her.  I wish I understood shit.

I feel no pain or happiness when Tim texts me now.  Although, it reminds me of how I screw up every dang relationship.  I don't even know what I did wrong to make him cheat.  Everyone keeps telling me it is not my fault, but I feel like I must not have met his needs somewhere.  I wish I could figure it out because if Curtis ever does give me a chance, I am so scared I will screw it up again.  God, why does my first and only true love have me so dang screwed up?  Ugh!!