Once Found, Now Lost

For a very long period of time, I looked all over for it. I finally found it. I dropped it a few times. I even had periods of time where I did not take care of it. Then I finally realized all of its beauty. I saw it with perfect vision. Then I lost it. I saw that it was not as pretty as I had once thought. I am not sure I will ever find it again. Sadly, I don't think it cares.

Sunrises and sunsets used to be pretty. Now they are just reminders of beginnings that have ends. From birth to death, we watch the lifecycles in every piece of our life. How are we to achieve true happiness? Is true happiness just a moment or is it an actual state of mind for an extended period of time? How is it that true happiness is dependent upon two people together, yet it seems that they never seem to achieve true happiness together? Is it even possible for both to be happy at the same time? For extended periods of time?

Just last year, I thought I had achieved true happiness with someone I love very much. I gave so much of myself that now I find myself dying inside everyday. I feel like a fool. I am not sure I can end things nor am I sure I can keep it going. My happiness is gone. It is just not there. I am finding myself turning into a huge prude about people's emotions. I just do not seem to care if I hurt them anymore. This is not who I want to be, nor is it who I was, until recently. The person that means the most to me in this world, betrayed me. This is not the first time, but this is the first time since I gave him everything I had of me. What am I supposed to do? Can time really heal all wounds? How long does it take? How much more can I take before every last bit of ME dies? I look at pictures of us, when I thought we were both happy, and all I see is me happy and him not. So this whole time it was a lie. How do I get him to tell me the truth? How do I believe him when he does?

My life has been filled with people who have lied to me. People who said they loved me or people who said they were my friends, were all lying. Now, the one person who I thought was pure and honest, has been lying to me all along, yet expects me to believe that he loves me.

God please oh please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can. And definitely give me the wisdom to know the difference. Give me the strength and courage to do what it is that I need to do based on the knowledge. Leaving this man would kill me emotionally, the minute he walked out the door, but staying with him is killing me slowly. Please tell me something oh dear Heavenly Father!!! I beg of you.