Happy Birthday Brandon

So today is Brandon's 15th birthday.  He gets his license and he informs me that I have to be in the car while he drives so we can log hours of him driving with me in the car.  Ugh!!  As if life without Tim wasn't hard enough....now I have to do something I know that even with Tim I could not do.  Now I have no choice, because Tim is not here.

Chatted a bit with Tim today.  It felt nice to converse with him, even though I know it was not a real talk.  Our deep talks always rocked my soul.  At this point, I don't know if those will ever happen again.  I am not sure if he loves me enough to actually try.  He won't tell me if he does.  He says he knows what he did was wrong and he regrets but still tries to validate it.  Lying to your wife to talk to your ex who keeps writing you love letters will never make sense.  I am so sorry.  I just cannot make sense of that.

I sure hope he tries to win me back.  I really hate my life without him.  It is a miserable life of structure.  Doing things that need to be done, for the sake of looking like I am functioning so everyone stops wondering if I am okay.  I know the kids need to get away from the house.  I know they want to have fun.  I know my friends would tell me I need to leave the house that reminds me of Tim.  So I am taking the kids camping Friday.  For no reason other than I should.  My heart is so dead that it is not involved in any decisions anymore.  I have a general "fuck it" mentality and after a week, it has not improved one bit.

However, I have been doing some more looking at things that happened with Tim and I.  He made comments on everyone's profile on facebook except mine.  He would 'like' other's statuses but not mine.   I am not sure he ever looks at my page. Why is that?  I comment on his and 'like' his all the time.  Was he really that unhappy with me?  Or did he feel that he knew everything about me already?  Why ignore me online?  Too many strange questions.

One thing I notice is that he did not work, yet he got upset when I expected him to do stuff to help out.  I know he complained about having to work on my truck but he would not let me call a mechanic.  I don't get it.

I am so lost in this world anymore.  Not sure where I fit in.  I used to fit perfectly in his arms and now I don't know if they were meant for me or her.  She has something on him that I just don't have.  Something that he was willing to risk his marriage just so he could talk to her.  I don't get it.  He says he doesn't love her but he risked his marriage for her.  Does she have a kid by him?  Does she have a deep dark secret of his?  Either way, she has something I have never had....and that is my husband.  He left here and ran straight to her.  He ran back to the town he couldn't wait to leave.  He hated it there and spent our entire time there, asking to leave.  Now he runs there when I ask him to move out.  I guess I just really do not know him.  Too many things I don't know.  I have many questions and he can't answer any, except that he loves me.  Yet, is he IN LOVE with me?  Who knows but him and God.

I know I am analyzing this situation to death but I am so lost in my own world anymore.  I can't trust anyone about anything anymore.  My kids have been telling me how much they love me and how I am a great mom. My thought is "what did you do".  That is not fair, I know, but I feel like I just can't be loved anymore by anyone except God.  If Tim can't love me, then how can anyone else.  I am sure my friends will argue with it, but I really can't even trust them to mean what they say, because all I ever hear from anyone anymore is lies. Bunch of fake people running around telling people what they need to hear and not what they truly feel.

Time to go.  Can't let Brandon see me cry on his birthday.  My baby is burning already with anger for the sadness that I feel.  He doesn't like Tim for the pain he has caused Johnny, Des, and I.  I don't want to ruin his bday.