Why the long face?

Getting easier to work around the pain.  The pain is still burning and it still brings me to tears but with my truck working, I have something to be happy about.  I am doing more work as an assistant manager at work now.  I told my boss that he can use and abuse me now because I no longer have a person in my life that I want to spend time with.  My kids I spend all my time with but we really need the money right now.  My dad has offered to help, but right now, all bills are paid, finally, and things are going good.  I do need to come up with $500 to replace the lifters on my truck, but other than that, things are going well.  I have decided that the kids and I need to get away so we are going camping on my next two days off.  We got rid of all of Tim's things, including all pictures of him, yet we still remember him often.  Is this what I would have felt like if he had just died?  I feel like that is what happened.  Well, aside from the anger I have for him doing what he did.  But wouldn't I be mad at him for leaving me in this world, if he had died?  Yeah I think I would have been mad too.

He was everything to me.  My personality is so embedded into his way of thinking that when I hear myself talk sometimes, I realize I just said something he would have said and it makes me want to cry.

He still has not talked to me.  I paid him back the loan I borrowed from him and he didn't even say thank you.  Is he really mad at ME?  Why?  What did I do?  I vented my anger but I feel totally justified in telling him how upset he has made me.  Does he really think that I should not have kicked him out so hastily when I had warned him a month ago that him talking to her anymore would mean risking our marriage?  I mean, I warned him.  He agreed it was best for him to cut all contact and yet he still talked to her.  Of course I would be angry. Of course I am hurt.  Am I really not allowed to be mad or hurt?  I really wish he would grow some balls and say something to me.  Tell me please why he is mad.  For the life of me, I do not get it.