How much of a fool am I?

Today is a new day.  All of his things are out of the house.  My eyes are still heavy.  I did sleep for a few hours.  Tonight I have a good crew I will be working with so it should go pretty well.

I don't think the kids understand how much I am in pain.  They are being supportive but you can tell they are trying to understand it.  They are handling me with kid gloves.

Time seems to just go by anymore.  I have no concept of time.  I really am not able to deal with things right now.  I feel like my emotions are all over the map yet I feel numb to the rest of the world.  It is not getting any better.  I keep telling others I am feeling better in hopes that if I say it long enough, it will become true.  I really am not doing any better.  My stomach keeps turning whenever I think of him, which is all the time.  I lay my head down at night and I think about how he used to be there and I used to lay my head on his shoulder.  I remember his kisses.  How they felt so real.  Then I get angry when I think about the lies.  I go to cook in the kitchen and I think about how he recently started helping me in the kitchen.  How he used to kiss me in the kitchen or grope me.  Then I get angry, thinking about the lies again.  I feel violated.  I cannot control my own thoughts.  I want so much to forget he existed so I can make the pain stop yet I really enjoy how I felt when he got me to express my true love for him.  I felt so free and so happy.  I felt like I had achieved greatness.  Yet I was achieving nothing in his eyes.  My love was not good enough for him.  I can tell myself that nothing would have made him fall in love with me but I just cannot believe that yet.  My heart still wants to believe he loved me.  My brain keeps telling me that if he did love me, he would have said so the other day when I gave him the chance.  I said to him "Did you do it to be nice, like you do for her, or did you do it because you love me?"  He replied with "To be nice".  He totally had the chance to say he loved me and it would have made the world of difference.  He tells me he is hurting too yet he won't talk to me.  I have every reason to be upset.  If he truly believes he was wrong and wanted to save this, he would be trying to make some sort of amends.

Why does he ask my daughter how everything is like he cares?  Does he really care?  Why not ask me?  He has nothing left to lose.  He spent the last six months trying to plan his leaving me.  Now he has left.  Why does he want to know?  I thought this is what he wanted.  He told her he missed her.  He kept talking to her when he knew his marriage would be over if he did.  He knew the risks and he still did it.  He had no regard for my emotions when he did this.  I told him many times the pain it would cause me if he left me again.  I let him in completely.  I opened myself up to be hurt.  The one thing I tried for many years to prevent.

How could someone be so mean?

I really hate that I have caught him before talking to women inappropriately and believed him when he said he was not interested.  I kept going back to him like a fool.  I really hate myself right now.