No BS for the BS'er

Yesterday and today were great days.  I found out my truck is a simple fix and I also had friends who came and checked up on me (virtually and physically) to see how I am doing.  The more I talk to Tim, the more I realize all the signs of what was wrong.  He really was after the money.  I never thought he was but I guess he was.  In the past month, he had asked me several times to ask my dad for my trust fund money.  I kept fighting him on it and he kept coming up with new reasons.  He did not want me to call a mechanic to fix my truck and he didn't want to fix it.  Instead he wanted me to sell it.  All the while, he was jobless and not really looking for employment.  He kept getting upset that I was not making more money like I was promised, which was because I could not get my promotion without a vehicle.  Two weeks ago, I asked him when his happiest moment was with me. He said College Park.  In College Park, I was making $80K a year and I was never home, which he was upset then that I did not spend enough time with him.  So yeah...it has to be the money.  My dad has been telling me for years that he did not like Tim, because he thought Tim was after the money.

I left Tim Monday and amazingly, my truck is getting fixed and I am about to get promoted at work.  I will be back in Jacksonville working.  Hahaha!  I get what I wanted.  Live in the country and work in the city.

Tonight my CRHP sister Willie, who I love dearly, knew I was saying "I'm fine" but I was not really fine.  She saw through it.  Most people do not want to hear you complain or listen to your sob stories after the initial announcement.  Honestly, I can't blame them.  However, there are those close friends that you really do not mind being there for, all the way to the end.  Willie is definitely that person for me, and I guess I am that for her.  That makes me feel good.  Especially since I really do not have many friends.  I do not let people in.  What happened with Tim happens anytime I let people in.  Lies and deceit.

When I have been apart from Tim in the past and I thought I was done with him and his secrets, lies, and cheating, I have dated to prove to myself that I am worthy of love.  Now I do not feel that I need to prove that.  I really gave every piece of me to him this past time.  More than I ever given any man or friend.  He treated me as though he had no cares in the world for what his actions would do to me.  He has yet to try and make amends to me and I know he knows the damage he caused.  My friends, on the other hand, have been right by my side through this whole mess.  One even drove from Jacksonville today to come hang out with me.  People text me everyday to see how I am doing, or email me.  My parents keep checking up on me to make sure I am taking care of the kids and not letting the kids see me cry.  I have cried lots, but I have been sure to keep it in my room as much as possible.  Cried at work on smoke breaks the first day.

I have been making it my goal to make sure that I enjoy the little things in life.  I ate fish and vegetables just so I could be happy.  Not being able to have it for so long was not depressing me, but enjoying things that are what they are not able to lie to me is a really great thing right now.  Cleaning has become an enjoyment.  I am enjoying cleaning all of his stuff out of my room and the house.  Really trying to make the house have no memories of his existence.  It is very hard to do but I am definitely trying.  Tomorrow morning a lady is coming to take all of Tim's clothes and stuff away.  He husband just landed a job and starts Tuesday.  They have absolutely no money and desperately needed what Tim left behind.

The pain is very much still there.  Much like the day it happened.  I still get angry and then sad and then happy.  Then the cycle starts all over again.  I keep putting it God's feet and I know he is blessing me with things to let me know it will all be okay.  I know it will be.  I just cannot envision it.  I am not quite sure I want to either.  I really think I need to feel this pain as long as possible so I do not forget what he did to my kids and I.  So I don't let it happen again.  I do not want to fall in love with anyone ever again.  I do not want to date anyone.  That phrase of "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"? Yeah that is complete and total malarkey.  I would rather have never loved him.  This may very well turn me into a bitter old lady.  I am really not sure that is a bad thing but I definitely was not one before I met him.